I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Randomize
