3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So squirting runs in the family.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
