put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
