There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sext me about skeletons
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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