I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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