Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
