just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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