i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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