I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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