After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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