Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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