Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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