I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
