just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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