he wants to bone in the snuggie
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
