life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
