They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
