I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
