haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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