I just threw up on my dentist
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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