whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
