I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
