Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
