I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
