i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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