i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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