Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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