She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
