I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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