I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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