we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
