I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
