don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
