you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
