oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I love you. Go after that dick
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
