i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
