ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
