The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
