I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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