you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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