Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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