Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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