just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
