So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
