I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
