and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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