you mean i was at the winter classic?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
