i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
