3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
