Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
