I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
