Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
