Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
